Way before we select a partner, we have a disagreement over dishes in the sink, or what to do with a troublesome in-law, there's something much subtler going on. It's the blueprint we constructed as babies, in the initial interactions with the humans who fed us, held us and responded (or not) when we cried. This is known as a blueprint attachment style by psychologists, and numerous decades of research back up what many couples feel on an instinctual level: The dynamics that are established in the initial bonding patterns persist into couplehood and influence how we love, fight, trust and grieve. It isn't a judgment on parents and an excuse for today's actions! It's a lens to see through to understand why some wars are so agonizing to endure, why some people retreat into their comfort zones when a war gets tough, and why others freak out when they get a little distance. Relationship counseling in Orange County is frequently centered around the concept of attachment, as it often provides the explanation for an underlying issue that couples and individuals are dealing with.

The Four Attachment Styles

The psychologist, John Bowlby (and in the late 1990s, Mary Ainsworth) identified four fundamental patterns of attachment. Reasonable consistency and responsiveness by caregivers leads to secure attachments. Securely attached couples are able to communicate their needs directly, engage in conflict without catastrophizing and are comfortable with closeness and independence. Anxious attachments are more likely to be due to inconsistent caregiving, sometimes warm, sometimes cold. When couple anxiously attached individuals may long for constant reassurance, see neutral behavior as rejection, and have a constant sense of fear that their mate will leave them. Avoidant can be a result of a parent or caregiver's lack of emotional proximity or discouraging needy expression. Avoidantly attached individuals tend to overvalue self-reliance, are not comfortable with emotional depth and may pull away just when a relationship needs to go deeper. Sometimes associated with frightening or unpredictable care-taking, disorganized attachment can create a push/pull effect in couplehood, wanting to be close to someone while at the same time fearing closeness, which may appear confusing to the individual with the attachment disorder and the person with whom they are intimate. The majority of people are not of a pure breed. There are different levels of attachment and an individual may be securely attached in a relaxed and trusting relationship, but insecure in a relationship that is uncertain.

Why This Matters in Romantic Relationships

The red flag that attachment is present is noticeable when it comes to conflict. An anxiously attached individual can intensify a disagreement and look for connection through it because when he/she is not connected there is abandonment. The avoidant partner may withdraw, or turn silent, they may avoid the other partner by distancing themselves emotionally, as it seems too much. These are not character defects, in either case. Both are methods which were reasonable, in an environment that created them. When these strategies conflict, without either of the partners understanding what is going on under the surface, issues arise. It can be a stressful situation for the anxious partner, and like being cornered by an avoidant. The avoidant partner's withdrawal may seem to the anxious partner to validate his/her own fears that he or she is unlovable. One of the most prevalent dynamics couples need to work on in couples counseling is this, and just stating it usually alleviates the pain. Couples ask "what's wrong with my partner" and ask "what do I and my partner need to feel safe.”

Attachment and Divorce Recovery

The attachment style does not get swept aside in the divorce process, it's rather more exposed. Whether the relationship ended amicably or not, the stresses of dealing with the end can trigger old wounds of abandonment, worthiness and trust issues. This is a reason behind divorce recovery counseling being more than just a process to work through the specific divorce relationship. This is looking at the way the marriage has been formed as well as the attachment pattern of the individual, so they do not take the same pattern with them into the next marriage. Divorce may cause an anxious partner to feel overwhelming fear of being left and sometimes, even speed up his marriage into another one and before he has been able to grieve. Divorce for an avoidant may confirm his/her notions that closeness leads to loss, further reinforcing his/her avoidance of closeness. Successful divorce recovery counseling is able to help clients identify these patterns as they occur, instead of them operating on autopilot.

Grief, Loss, and the Attachment System

The concept of attachment theory was developed from the experience of loss. Early Bowlby's work focused on the reactions of children when separated from their caregivers and much that he saw in the reactions of children is similar to how couples grieve. A securely attached person is able to grieve and be able to seek and accept help. Anxiously-attached people may feel a sense of loss with greater intensity and worry about being abandoned to take care of themselves. An avoidant kind of attachment can involve numbing loss experience completely, and may seem to be calm, but are suffering from unprocessed loss, carrying these unprocessed feelings on board for years time. That's one of the reasons grief counseling in Orange County is becoming more and more attachment-focused—whether it's after the death of a loved one, after the divorce of your spouse, a significant life change or when the friendship ends. When working with a client, it is important for a therapist to understand their attachment style in order to predict how they will mourn and provide appropriate emotional support (as opposed to a ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach to mourning).

Why Retreats and Group Settings Can Help

Healing is more complete in a community than a woman can find alone for many women, particularly during times of divorce, grief or a significant life change. Here's one way why women's therapy retreats in Orange County are becoming more and more popular. This highly structured and participatory environment provides time and space for participants to slow down, explore and reflect on old patterns such as attachments, and engage in new relational skills in a way that is done with people who have experienced it firsthand. This is because the reflection, group support and therapeutic guidance can often make insight come quickly that sometimes weekly sessions are not sufficient to do.

Attachment Style Can Change

Perhaps the most encouraging finding in attachment research is that these patterns are not fixed for life. Childhood experiences of attachment are continued to be influenced by couple experiences of attachment, including their relationship with the proficient therapist. Sometimes referred to as "earned secure attachment": the gradual development of secure patterns, through safe and consistent, responsive relationships later in life. Security is normally a conscious effort to be achieved. This frequently involves learning to self-awareness of old patterns as they emerge, communicating needs more directly, feeling uncomfortable with being vulnerable, and in many cases, working with a therapist who knows and understands attachment theory, and is able to help bring about insight into lasting change. From understanding oneself better to working through attachment and bonding issues within an existing relationship, to aiding in recovery after divorce, to aiding in grieving, the concept of attachment style has more to offer than meets the initial eye. If you're in Orange County considering counselling services, you can find a therapist who specializes in attachment styles to help you break the cycle of common and frustrating behaviour and start a more secure relationship.